今 年一如既往（来新加坡以后）地拿了个中上的成绩，按老师的话翻译过来就是“对我其实有更高的期望”。我所进入的初级学院是我当时填的第三志愿，也是我当时 认识的初院的最后一个（我中学时候真的对R/HC/V/N/T/AC之外其它初院毫无印象）。拿到成绩的那天凌晨，我好像是房间六人里面第一个收到信息 的。第一个念头是哎，真的是这样（遇到我计划中的最坏情况）……但心里都还蛮平静的，平静地接受。开学了也很快地融入了学校的环境，其实学校蛮适合我的。 读书是需要用功的，但今年有好多事，搞到头来每次都把最弱的一科经济的复习时间拿来强化理科，好像有点偏科。最后奖学金保住，六十多分（总分八十）的排位 分是上帝看顾。
从小以来一直乐天派、一向十分自信的我，今年开始无故地多了分忧虑，多了些困惑。有些事情变成还 没有做就潜意识里告诉自己比不过别人，初生牛犊不怕虎的那种脾气不知去了哪里。也不曾仔细想过将来大学之路的我，也开始潜心看了一下未来的方向，有好一阵 子感觉未来的曙光就是看不到……最后甚至有几天开始担心婚姻的问题，真不知道自己在无故的担心什么。今年告诉自己最多的一句话可能就是，不要为明天忧 虑……
理性和感性兼备的我在中学给了自己四个字：不谈恋爱。原因是谈恋爱为了婚姻，而中学低年级时期到结婚年龄还有遥不可及的好多年，一次 恋爱一直持续到婚姻是很不现实的；那就意味着中学时期开始恋爱的话，最后一定会分手——但我不想受伤，更不愿让别人受伤。上到初院，事实上客观状况没有改 变太多，掐指算来，到大学毕业，现在还有六、七年吧。我父母他们从认识到结婚经历了八年，其中两年还是分居两地。我很敬佩他们的这种执着；我猜想如果我认 定了所爱的女孩，我也能做出类似付出。
于是，我就经历了在短时间内对女孩产生好感，又追求女孩不到的挫折。为了保护女孩的隐私，请不要问名 字。对女孩的仰慕主要是因为，她是在信仰（及恋爱观）和兴趣两方面同时与我高度相近的一位。因为过于理性的分析，在认识女孩之后没多久就对她表白，表 白的过程倒是大大好于我的预期，于是我有了高高的期待，但随之的考虑结果又把我重重的砸下。
今 年很大一个失败是账务的混乱。从小学五年级养成的记帐习惯，一直保持着，所以一直收支都处于一种健康的状态。下半年却连续几个月每个月出现好几百块的空 白，自己都不知道自己把钱花在了哪里。最夸张的时候，每隔两三天就有一位同学跑来告诉我，前几天跟我借过钱，一直没还给我，然后我惊讶地发现我把一切借给 别人钱的事都在混乱的心情之中忘却了……不算去英国的花费，截止今天我超支年度奖学金的125%，一个令我震惊的数字。检讨一下今年的花钱状况，有很多不 必要的支出，比如打的、买零食饮料，多出去吃喝了很多次，然后还有很多混乱的借钱。
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops/倘若祢的祝福历经风雨
What if Your healing comes through tears/倘若祢的医治历经泪水
What if a thousand sleepless nights/倘若一千个失眠的夜晚
Are what it takes to know You’re near/方能使我知道祢的同在
What if trials of this life/倘若我这一生中的试练
are Your mercies in disguise/是祢隐藏的恩典
2011 Year-end Reflection
2011, my year of 19, is coming to an end. Unlike the previous two years writing birthday reflections for myself, for some reason I didn’t do so this year; but I’m still writing this year-end reflection because this year is a year when I feel myself growing up and growing into maturity.
Some Important Events of the year:
Jan: trip to Malacca and Penang;
Being posted to Anglo-Chinese Junior College
Apr: achieve choir’s Gold with Honour in Singapore Youth Festival (SYF)
May: lost my wallet in the hostel;
Annual choir concert at Esplanade
Jun: home sweet home
Aug: being invited to School of Electronics and Computer Science, Southampton University, UK for two weeks
Sep: in a low mood for quite a while
Oct: being proud of my class in the Inter-Class AC Games
Nov: Project Work (PW) is over!
As like any other years since I came to Singapore, this year’s overall result is merely satisfactory, and according to my teacher, ‘expecting more from you’. AC was my third choice in fact, and it was the last JC that I knew of (I had absolutely no knowledge for JC other than R/HC/V/N/T/AC at that time). On the morning receiving JC posting result, I was the first in the room receiving the message. The first thought of mine was, sigh, in the end it happens (the worst I could have expected)… But anyway I was quite calm, and accepted with little struggle. I was able to get into the new environment quickly after the orientation, and I felt the college suits me. It takes effort to study, especially to get good grades, but with many things to handle this year, I always ran out of revision time and had to cut off the time for my weakest Economics to compensate and strengthen my sciences– that leads me an imbalanced result among subjects. All in all I have to thank God that my scholarship being sustained and the not-too-bad sixty plus ranking points (out of eighty) are never possible without the care that God granted me.
B. Emotion and Growth
I have always been contented and confident, but this year, I somehow had more worries and doubt. It turns out that for many things before I even do them, my subconscious started to tell myself I’m not better than others; the courage that I used to possess had weakened by much. Previously I’ve never planned clearly for where to go for the university, but this year I started to see the different opportunities, however sometimes I just could not see the brightness of my future. In the end I even started to worry about things like marriage, which I should have no reason to worry at this age. One verse I kept telling myself this year is probably, “Do not worry about tomorrow”…
I’m both thinking and feeling person (though thinking is a bit stronger), hence logically I told myself during Secondary time: Do Not Start Dating. The reason is a result of logical thinking: the goal of dating is marriage, but starting dating since lower Secondary is almost impossible to hold the relationship into the age of marriage. It means that if a person was to start dating since Secondary School, in the end he will probably break up with the girl— I don’t want to be hurt by breaking up, and neither do I wish to hurt anyone. In junior college level, objectively the situation is not much changed, from now to graduating from university is another six or seven years. My parents married at the eighth year since they knew of each other, and what’s more precious is for two of those years they were in different cities. I admire their perseverance; and I guess if I confirm a girl I love, I can commit similarly.
Thence I experienced the frustration of rejection after having a strong admiration upon a girl. For the privacy of her, please do not try in any way guess the identity of the person. The admiration I had on her was mainly due to that she was the first person I met having highest closeness in both faith (including opinions of dating) and interests. Due to some over-rational analyses, I confessed my admiration to her shortly after I knew of her. The process of my confession was much smoothly than what I could have expected, it is this over-expected smooth made me expecting much good result, then her decision after deliberation put my highly-lifted expectation to the ground. (By the way I have to admit that she must be really mature to choose to have some time for thoughts.)
In fact for me, I’ve learnt quite a few lessons from this incident. First, to wait– There is a time for everything. Second, accept and obey — God’s will is higher and better than men’s plans. Third, speak appropriately at appropriate time. Fourth, surrender, and trust God alone — I really need God to lead me in matters about love and relationships. Fifth, prepare myself to be a better boyfriend, a better husband. Sixth, bless and benefit the people around me.
This year, I made a few good friends, mostly scholars from China. Of course I’ve made a couple local friends as well from class, CCA and other school activities. One area of failure is even to the level of acquaintance, I have not known of all the foreign scholars from other countries. Perhaps this year I am tired. Two years back I could easily make friends with thirty over ASEAN and Indian friends, but this year I feel tired.
D. Financial Management
A major failure of this year is the messiness of my finance. I have made a habit of keeping account of my money flow, and I have been always practicing it, thus my expense has always been at a healthy status. However in the second half of the year, for every month I spent hundreds of dollars unknowing where I have used them. The scaring thing was for some days my friends came to tell me that I had lent them money and they had not returned until that day. Then surprisingly I realised that I have actually lent others money, but I forget all those in the mist of the emotional disturbance… Excluding spending for the trip to UK, I have overspent 125% of my annual scholarship allowance till date, a shocking number for me! Reflecting on my way of spending this year, I have a lot of unnecessary expenses, like taking caps or buying snacks, and dining out too much, and lending money without tracking…
E. Christian Life
For the last year I read through New Testament once again; this year I was jumping between books in Old and New Testament, still being benefited, but the absorption is not as systematic. For ministry, I continued serving in multimedia and PowerPoint sector, and started learning controlling sound mixer. Through the toughness of this year, I realized more about how weak I am and how strong He is.
I am a person who likes music, thus I’d like to use two songs to sum up the year.
First song is a Chinese-New-Year song I heard in the beginning of the year, 天天好天 (Every day is a good day).
是晴天 是雨天/whether it’s a sunny day, or a rainy day
天天都是好天/every day is a good day
知足常乐看新一年/be content and happy to see the new year
我看见艳阳天/I see a beautiful sunny day
The other song is the titled song of the only album I’ve purchased in my life till date, Blessings by Laura Story.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise
These two songs reflect the main colours of the different times of my life this year. And after writing this reflection I feel that it takes courage to reflect on myself.